You want to take my face...off?

This morning I sat down to one of the creepier desk views of my working career. 

No, not pubes on my Coke.  (I don't drink Coke except on special occasions!) 

I sat down in front of this.

We all did.

Our landlord offered me and my coworkers a CPR training course, and, like the sailing, I feel like it's one of those handy life skills, plus we live in an earthquakey area, so I signed up. 

I have had Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal" in my head for a day and a half.  He came in through the window!  Then he struck you - a crescendo, Annie!  Annie are you okay?  Are you okay?  Annie are you okay?  ARE YOU OKAY, ANNIE?!!

I was really looking forward to busting out my lyrics.  (I love that "crescendo" line.)  So I was pretty disappointed to find that they have done away with Annie, and now it's all about saving Andy. 

Andy of the oh-so-kissable lips!  (Your lips are mine, all mine, Andy!  You kiss some other girl, you better get new lips!  I'm taking them with me.)

The prophylactic safety measures have certainly broadened since basic CPR was part of my swim lessons at the YMCA twenty-five years ago. 

What a bunch of prisses we've all become.  A spritz of Windex was good enough for me!  Now we get gloves (non latex!), plastic lung bags, mouth guards and our own personal FACES.

The class started out suspiciously simple, with the instructor asking us to suggest indicators of a possible emergency situation. 

"Smoke?" someone said.  Yes, smoke.  Good one.

"How about somebody is choking and can't get words out?"  Yes, that could be a sign of an emergency.

"A crowd?  Like a crowd of people gathered around something?"  Definitely, sure.

We were racking our brains to think of not completely obvious "sights, sounds, and smells" that would indicate an emergency situation, when he posed some back to us.  "How about a car accident?"

Oh.  Well.  Yes, of course. 

"A child at the bottom of the pool?"  Well, sure.

"How about a pencil sticking out of someone's eye?"

But it was a great class, very straightforward, lots of information and lots of hands-on practice.  Three hours seemed like it would be a lot of time for principles I thought were basic, but all of the time was productively filled.  I very much recommend.

I learned some interesting tidbits:

CPR alone has a 5% success rate.  Combined with one of those defibrillators, it has an 80% success rate!  Note: need to speak to office manager re defibrillator.

If you're doing the chest compression properly (2 inches), expect to break some ribs, puncture a lung even.  Don't be too dainty.  Broken bones heal, but they have to be alive first.

You only use about 5% of the oxygen you inhale (about 20% of the atmosphere).  Thus your exhalation is about 15% oxygen, and there is still plenty for the victim.  (I recognize I haven't expressed that mathematically correctly, but you get the gist.)

That news article that was going around the internet, about how you should not bother with the breathing but focus on the chest compressions, was aimed at people who wouldn't help at all because of squeamishness.  Doing just the chest compressions is better than standing there like Goofus.

The clarification to that was: if you see someone collapse right in front of you, they've still probably got air in their lungs, so doing the chest compressions serves to circulate what's there to the organs and brain.  After a couple minutes if no help has arrived you should give it up with the mouth-to-mouth.

If you find someone collapsed, you don't know how long they've been there, so you should go through the entire CPR drill.

Good Samaritan laws generally protect from litigation people who step in to help, so long as they act in good faith, aren't negligent, and stay at the scene until better-qualified help arrives - so don't let fear of lawsuit dissuade you from doing the right thing.

Women's heart attack symptoms are totally vague.

These tidbits are obviously not meant to substitute for getting properly trained - if it's been a long time, like it was with me, I think it would be a great idea to go get certified.   

Really, I had only one complaint. 

You had to take your Face/Off. 

And then give it back. 

Comments

[Wickedly Scarlett]

Wow, that is a CPR class with a lot of funding I would imagine. I need to get my hands on one of those faces though! How fun would that be to just leave in a coworkers drawer, or put it on the pillow of your special someone before they crawl into bed at night?

[Vaguely Urban]

Is that Fantasia Barrino gracing the cover of the written materials?

The Face/Off made my heart sing.

[TasterSpoon]

WS - I used to have a rubber finger that I'd put in the serving tray at college whenever they served french fries. Big hit with the kitchen staff. What if you put the face on a stuffed animal, like a teddy bear or a gorilla? Brrrr!

VU - upon close scrutiny, I'm going to have to say....yes. Yes it is.